It's easy to be nostalgic; especially as a stay-at-home-mom. I walk around the house, and I am surrounded by things that remind me of what has been: photos, outgrown clothes, discarded toys, artwork...It's easy to get drawn into the memories attached to those items. I often feel like daily life was a little easier when our boys were tots. We had a rhythm to our days, and I usually influenced that rhythm. Now we have school, homework, piano lessons, swimming lessons, sports, team parties, birthday parties, play dates...I'm no longer in complete control over our time, and we can no longer spontaneously take off on our adventures that we enjoy. Our boys have commitments, we have commitments, and I feel squeezed (as my sister would say). When I look back, I don't immediately remember how hard it could be. Lack of consistent sleep, diapers, illnesses, isolation, worry over developmental milestones, none of these things are on the tip of my brain.They're buried behind the memories of cuddling in the rocking chair, singing sillies songs and the smell of freshly washed baby hair.

I have found myself going beyond nostalgia, venturing into something that resembles being stuck in the past. When I get to this place, it is hard for me to live the full life that I am meant to live; right now. I have had to learn that I can look back, honor what was, and then be present in what I have now. These times are special too, and these times will be remembered clearly by our boys. Sure, the love and care they were given as babies made up their strong foundation, but they don't clearly remember those times; not like I do. They will remember what happens now; how we choose to spend our time now. And I find that more rewarding than I thought I would. There are things I can do with my kids that I could not do with them when they were teeny-tiny. We can have discussions, we can make plans, we can go almost anywhere with a limited amount of planning. They can tell me they love me, and I them, and we can know that we mean it. I can hug them, and cuddle them for short periods of time, and they will remember.Yes, it can be difficult now too; I don't have rosy colored glasses. The challenges look different, they feel different, but if history is any indication, these challenges will morph into something else in a short time.

After dinner the other night, I asked the family if anyone would like to go for a walk. Harry said he'd rather go for a run with me. Artie said he'd rather play hockey with Mike. Harry and I planned to start running together in the late spring, but since it wasn't too frigid, I decided we might as well start now. Of course the pace was slow, and of course we walked on and off all the way up to his school, but it was one of the most satisfying runs I've had. We decided to take a quick break and hit the playground. After giving Harry a few starter pushes on his swing, I hopped on the one next to his. The air was cold, the moon was getting brighter, and we were swinging; just me and my not-so-little, but little in my heart, boy. I can't remember what we were talking about, but we were talking, and laughing, and enjoying now.